I am spending Mother's Day quite differently this year.

For the first time, I now have my own family to celebrate it with. But sadly, for the first time too, I no longer have a mom to kiss and greet a "Happy Mother's Day" early in the morning.

It would have been ideal, especially for a new mom like me, to celebrate this day with Mama. The bonding would have been different this time (stronger than ever) and the connection would have been more intense and more special, as I now have a profound understanding of motherhood—how it really feels like to be a mom and a superwoman at that.

It would have been ideal to treat Mama with all the things that would make her happy. For all the sacrifices and pain she endured throughout the years (as a SUPERMOM), she deserved LOVE and HAPPINESS today and EVERYDAY! But such is life. Such is death.

I only have her memories to cherish now. I only have her ways as a mother to replicate. I will love my daughter the same way she loved us—sincere, unselfish, unconditional. And probably, that is how I will spend this day with my family: To make them feel the kind of care and love our Mama showered us with. Simply put, she was the best mom! She was the star of our lives. We were her universe.

So to my family and friends who still have their mothers, you are lucky! Seriously. So treat your mom well. Love her dearly. Don't take her for granted. Forgive her, because her imperfections as a human being are nothing compared to her sacrifices as a mother. Her work is 24/7, just to give you life. So give her your time too (even just a fraction of it, she wouldn’t mind). Kiss her. Hug her. Talk to her. LOVE HER.

To all the moms out there: Happy Mother’s Day! We deserve a drink (Red Bull, perhaps?).

AND TO MY MAMA: I hope Wi-Fi can connect to heaven too. I miss you. Everything about you. Happy Mother's Day, Ma! I love you always and forever. I love you here and in the afterlife. I LOVE YOU, MA! I hope I’m doing a good job as a new mom. We'll take care of Papa. And I hope we are making you proud. I LOVE YOU, MA!

P.S. Can I borrow your bag? (I'm sure I'd get a "hehe" from you). *wink* I LOVE YOU!

So this is how it feels to not know God and to live as if lifeless.

It has been a week since we lost our mother to cancer, a week since I started to question God—His existence, His mercy, His power—to question all of Him.

All. Of. Him.

Imagine the pain of losing your dear mother just a year after the death of your beloved grandma, and three years after losing your precious sister. Such is unimaginable, actually. But it happens. It happened.

It happened to our family—a family whose love for each other is infinite, boundless. Despite the many twists and turns of life, we remained intact and optimistic. And after all these years of heartache, we kept our faith. We held on to Him—only Him.

So we could only ask God now, “why? WHY US?”

During our mom’s battle with cancer, we fought the battle with her. We prayed incessantly. We relied on His words. We found strength and comfort in knowing that God listens to our prayers and that He heals. We believed that nothing is impossible to God.

But all our hopes seemed to have turned into false hopes and our prayers seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. It felt like we were, again, blindsided by God. He took Mama from us too soon. And losing her was too painful, to the point that I’d feel numb, almost anesthetized of emotions. I couldn’t make sense of things, of life. It was too much.

Amidst all the agony and chaos, where was God? Where was God when we needed Him most?

Asking Him these questions was easy. Praying to Him was hard. After all these years of being a devout Christian, suddenly, I felt that I didn’t know who God really was. All these years, I kept my faith, but it felt like He was the one who let go of me. Suddenly, I felt that we were not worthy of His love. And nothing was more painful than that.

But questioning Him wouldn’t give us the answers we want. It wouldn’t make us understand why these things had to happen to us. More so, questioning God wouldn’t bring back our mother. So where do we go from here? I don’t know. I have yet to understand God’s plans for us, His purpose for this pain, for this loss.

So do I still believe in Him? I do.

Why? You may ask. Because when I tried to rationalize His existence, when I tried to discount His presence in my life, all the more I became lifeless.

(But just so you know, God, this got us. Time out po muna. Ang sakit na po kasi masyado).

Nanay, our Nanay!

Death is (un)arguably the most painful natural occurrence in life. Everyone, at some point, will die or experience the pain of losing a dear one. But no matter how “natural” a thing death is, it still is the most baffling, the most foreign, isolating feeling in this world, most especially for those left behind.

After losing two of the most important people in my life (Tatay in 2007 and Ate in 2013), I would think that I’ve become stronger and wiser in dealing with the pain and the complex nature of moving on and letting go.  But you just never get used to death. It’s always going to be difficult and, to some extent, torturous. And I found myself going through the same process again. And it seemed harder this time.

April 13, 2015. We lost Nanay, the person whom most of us in the family considered as our strength (and weakness) and our life. She was 82. Old and has lived a full life. But I was just never ready to let her go, because I was just about to enter a new phase in my life (I am now a wife and soon-to-be mother) and I wanted her to witness it—of all people, I know she will be the most supportive, the proudest.

For years, my life revolved around her. We were roommates and she would often introduce me to her cousins as her “nurse” or “bodyguard.” And I actually liked that label, because I loved taking care of her! I loved her dearly and selflessly, because she loved us, her grandchildren, the same way. She was my EVERYTHING (and still is)!

A force to be reckoned with (seriously! you wouldn't want to mess with Mrs. Sison!), Nanay was that constant fixture in our lives who seemed to have perfected the art of doing things for us, from kitchen tasks down to carpentry solutions (but, of course, she had a “battalion” of helpers to assist her). We trusted her decisions and taste in many things. And, like I said, you wouldn’t want to argue with her because, most of the time, she’s almost always right.

Nanay was indeed one of a kind—overly generous, caring, and strong-willed! Her strength is a gift to us. It was infectious and inspiring. She was our sunshine at home, our comfort after a hard day’s work. SHE IS OUR NANAY… and more! And getting used to not having her around remains an everyday challenge, most especially today, her birthday.

But I know for years, it has been Nanay’s wish to be reunited with our Tatay again—the love of her life. And she finally got her wish granted.  

Happy birthday, my Nanay! Enjoy your day in heaven. We’ll take care of your celebration on earth. Dance with Tatay, sing with Ate, and be one with God up there. I love you and I miss you always and forever!

The Road to #GM2015

It's been almost two months since that one sunny, forever-memorable day of March 14, 2015. After 11 years of being together, Genson and I finally decided to take that one-way journey to ever-after. 

Since day one of the planning, we only had two goals in mind: to get married and to have one heck of a good time, the hipster way. We already knew what we wanted, from the design concept down to the venue and the tokens for our guests. I even made a powerpoint presentation with all our pegs to make things clear and easier for our suppliers.

Call me an OC, but never a "bridezilla!" HAHA!

We were also clear about one thing: we didn't want a conventional wedding. We wanted our family and friends to feel relaxed, to have FUN, which is why we opted for an outdoor reception. We wanted a PARTY! One that is complete with fireworks, rustic set-up with string lights to add to that "chill" vibe, a mobile bar, and band to pump up the guests, among many other things.

Our lovely wedding reception. Photos by my cousin Joana Sison-McGee

Photo by our friend/ florist Candice Nocom

We were very much hands-on and a DIY-couple for the most part. During our pre-nup shoot, we did the styling (and I did my own hair and make-up too :D). We pulled-out props from our rooms, borrowed some vintage pieces from my Uncle, and cut papers for the banderitas, and so on and so forth.

Our vintage-inspired set-up

Some of the props

 Our pre-nup shoot c/o our family friend, Heidi Pascual-Aquende <3

 Thanks, Heidi, for the free shoot! :)

 Location: An underrated playground/ theme park at Q.C. Memorial Circle

Sunshine <3

 One of two shoots. Photo by Herbert Ikan

 Pre-nup at The Lakeshore

One of our fave shots by my cousin Joana McGee

And for more DIY projects, I also made the bowties for the boys and the board for the "Here Comes The Bride" sign, while Genson took care of the construction of the wooden road and reception signages. Family and friends (you know who you are) also offered their services FREE OF CHARGE or with BIG DISCOUNTS! Our officemates (our Full Circle family) helped us too in our pre-wedding preparations, from sewing the custom-made invitation envelopes, printing of the ceremony missalettes, to tying and attaching the tags to the hundreds of canvas bags for the guests. It was a labor of love!

Yup! I'm a DIY advocate. :)

Official logo by my talented cousin, Joana McGee <3

"Here Comes the Bride" board

Our DIY missalette. Thanks, Full Circle family, for helping us! (Photo: Meng) 

Our DIY Photo Wall. Thanks, Howell and Eunice Martinez, for the paletas! Big help!

Genson's project: Road/ Reception signages. Lettering by Joana/ Meng

 Our wedding souvenir. Design by yours truly. Layout by my sister Karla/Ekang. Printing c/o our best man, Richmond Tan

Invite design and layout by former colleague/ Cosmopolitan Art Director, Hazel Malagonio. She also owns OneOAK.

Our delicious and so "rustic" wedding cake by one of my best friends, Camille Tecson of The Cakestry

I must say the pre-wedding months are definitely one for the books (and bankbooks too. HAHA). You invest almost all of your time, emotions, and energy just to pull off that dream wedding. And when everything's done, you'd find yourself missing the journey--from computing expenses, sourcing materials, to debating over guest list, menu, and suppliers, etc. But the PMS-like adventure is W-O-R-T-H it (so seize every moment of it), especially when you realize how much love you've put into every little detail of your wedding and, of course, your relationship to boot.

I can't thank you enough, huny, for EVERYTHING! I LOVE YOU! <3

Thanks again, Meng, for capturing this moment! <3

To be honest though, it wasn't a "perfect" wedding in the sense that three of the most important people in my life weren't there to witness it, Tatay, Ate, and Nanay, who are with God now, witnessing our new life from the heavens. But our wedding was, I believe, perfect in God's eyes--our master planner. And that's all that matters.

Getting married is a blessing. The feeling--pre, during, and post--is enormously overwhelming. It's a cliche of emotions. It's priceless. Real and surreal at the same time. But one thing's for sure, the feeling that we experienced that day will and can never be replicated.

Photo by our dear friend Angel Tudtud 

Photo by Vida de Jesus

And this video perfectly captured our special day. With the full support of our videographer, Box Seblario of Out of The Box Project, we were able to pull of our concept of having an SDE that had the feel of an indie music video, which boasts of lomography-inspired visuals accompanied by the sounds of Mree (To See the Light) and Passion Pit (Sleepyhead). It was a fun day. Again, a forever memorable one. THANK YOU, GOD! <3

View our SDE here: https://vimeo.com/122535027

---
BIG THANKS TO ALL OUR EFFICIENT SUPPLIERS:
Venue | The Lakeshore
Photo | Erick Sulapas Photography
Video | Out Of The Box Project
Coordinator | Cherished Moments by Print Blast
Caterer | k. by cunanan catering
Bride's gown | Mel Orlina Couture
Wedding cake I The Cakestry
Lights and Sounds | Sensitivity Lights and Sounds 
Band I KSM Jean and Joey
HMU I Ish Sison Makeup Artistry
Florist I Fleurs and Bonbons
Photo booth | Faceplays Booth
Mobile Bar | Blitz Mobile Bar
Fireworks | Dragon Fireworks 

Japan-tastic

For our first trip as Mr. and Mrs., we explored Japan as it shifts from Winter to Spring season. Such a sensorial feast. Leaves are starting to show up, adorning trees; and flowers are slowly blooming—as if awaiting its adolescence, seemingly delicate but beautiful. 

We traveled from city to city (Osaka-Kyoto-Nagoya), transferred from one train and/or bus to another, and deciphered the country’s multi-colored (seriously!) subway map just to reach our destination.

Thank God we didn’t get lost (props to my hubby, Genson, for being the best travel navigator and ALSO myself for being an obedient travel companion. HAHA). Teamwork! 

It was easy to fall in love with Japan. In our case, we found ourselves falling in love with almost everything that we taste, see, and hear.

In Osaka, we enjoyed the rides and sights of Universal Studios, which is definitely bigger than its Singapore counterpart. Add to that the Harry Potter attraction, which deserves a special mention for it did feel like we were transported to that "Wizarding World," as depicted in the book and film series. 

Then for some real city vibe, we went to the famous Dotonbori and Shinsaibashi stretch. We were amazed and entertained by how busy the streets were, complete with illuminated signboards, shops carrying local and foreign brands (yey!), and the STAR of the district--its FOOD, particularly in Dotonbori. It was a culinary explosion of some sort. Everything (or almost) that was sold by food-stall vendors and restaurants tastes rich and balanced. And the quality is discernible in every bite, fresh and authentic. Simply put, you just got to taste it to believe it. No wonder this city is referred to as the "nation's kitchen."

From Osaka, we boarded the JR train to transfer to Kyoto for a day tour. The city is such a sight to behold--from quiet temples and shrines, peaceful gardens, to seeing an actual geisha walk down the street, among many others. To experience the city, you just got to stop and feel the energy, embrace its relaxed ambiance; go and explore its wonders; and again, taste its food, which is clearly forever part of our itinerary.

We toured the Kinkaku-ji or the "Temple of the Golden Pavilion", then spent the afternoon discovering Arashiyama, where we followed the path of the Bamboo forest and entered the vast complex of the Tenryu-ji Temple (a UNESCO World Heritage Site). This was also where we got to see a blooming Sakura tree (thank you, God!).

As one of the best preserved cities in Japan, Kyoto tells a different story, one that is rich with history and culture. In a word, a breathtaking city.

Last stop was Nagoya. This was where we did our last-minute pasalubong shopping, specifically at the huge Osu Shopping center. Then we roamed around the Sakae district for more (window) shopping and FOOD! Nagoya, I must say, is a more laid-back city compared to Osaka, but equally astounding.

Japan, quite clearly, is more than a country that boasts of modernity and technology. And definitely more than the modern/ electronic toilets that are often a topic of discussion among Filipino tourists, because, sadly, we don’t have such facility in the Philippines. (Boo, corrupt politicians!).

The "Land of the Rising Sun" is simply magical, a vibrant Asian treasure. Every corner has its own charm; every meal a gastronomic pleasure; transportation system is efficient; plus its people, always warm and welcoming. It gives one a sense of peace and calm in the midst of an atmosphere so modern, yet still exuding (and preserving) an imperial past. It is impressive and definitely inspiring.

And I feel happy and more than blessed to have experienced this dreamland with the man whom I vowed to spend the rest of my life with—whatever the season we'll find ourselves in.

---

Travel period: March 17-21, 2015

All Photos: Author's own